Love Beyond What I Deserve

“Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life,mand I will dwell in  the house of the Lord as long as I live.” -Psalm 23:6

In this journey of Keller’s autism diagnosis we have received heaps and heaps of love and support from Africa and the United States.  It has been humbling and overwhelming.  People have poured out their love for Keller and our family.  We have been loved far beyond what we deserve.

It’s hard to accept people’s love sometimes.  I like to be the one serving and loving and giving.  To be on the receiving end of love is just plain tough.  It makes me feel vulnerable and needy.  I am still learning how to ask for help and I know I will get better at this.

But the earthly love that has been poured out to us has only been a reflection of what God has shown us.  God doesn’t send e-cards or bring you dinner, but his love is showered upon our lives… if we only will open ourselves up to it.

Even though I wish God would come to me in these days like a storm, He always shows up in a whisper and I have to lean in to hear His words to me.  But His love is perfect and He is the definition of love.  As much as I want to believe that the earthly love I am experiencing will last forever, it won’t, and His love is never-ending.  He will always be pursuing me with His love.

Psalm 23 has been on my heart during these days of Keller’s diagnosis.  And God’s love has been very real to me, as in other times of crisis in my life.  Psalm 26 tells us these two things about God’s love:

1. God’s goodness comes from His nature, not our worthiness.

2. God’s love comes from His character, not our virtue.

 God is being Himself, being all GOD when he loves us and lavishes it upon us.  It is more than we deserve and meets us exactly where we are.  For me, this diagnosis and facing grief and loss of dreams has been difficult, but much of it is that is has revealed parts of my heart that I didn’t know that were there.  My own selfish dreams.  My desires to be normal and accepted.  It’s fine if ‘other’ families have special needs but that won’t happen to our family.  The list goes on as I have thrown many temper-tantrums before God about this situation and how IT’S NOT FAIR.

But even when we are unlovable, even when the darkest parts of our hearts are exposed, God still moves towards us with his LOVE.  He doesn’t sigh and wait for us to get it together.

He RUNS to us.

“And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.” -Luke 15:20 NLT

I have felt this from God in this newest trial in our lives.  As the gross parts of my heart have been exposed and as grief and worry have washed over me like waves, I have felt God close to me.  And after the confession and sorrow then I have begun to hear Him with me.  More, I have sensed Him with me.  Holding me and holding these things together.

People have remarked about how ‘strong’ our faith has been in this trial.  I have never felt further from strong, but there is no where else to run but to God.  Without God’s strength and love I could not make it through this.  There is no time to be mad at Him because I am desperate for Him.

And HE comes for me.  Thank you Jesus.