February 16, 2015
Sometimes when I am really vulnerable or open I am surprised by people’s reactions to me. My openness about something suddenly highlights that being vulnerable isn’t always the chosen path. I forget that.
I confess that I am definitely not always vulnerable. I am like 95% totally and unashamedly vulnerable. So I will tell you that Kieren and I BOTH had lice last year and I thought I was going to lose my SOUL over it. And I will tell you that the last time I peed my pants was in college in my friends car when we were driving around being crazy and I was laughing and couldn’t stand it anymore. Or I will tell you that I truly know I am like a horrible parent most of the time and our kids are only surviving because Casey and I parent together. I am not being humble there; that’s just true.
But there is that 5% of myself that I keep hidden and locked up very tight. While I am super (and annoyingly) open about most of my life there is a tiny part that I hate to share and secretly I think if you knew about it you would make a face and run away. Or I think if I had to say it out loud I would run away from myself. Can you relate?
But we aren’t always given to choice with what we want to share or not. Sometimes it just comes out. Actually I think it always EVENTUALLY comes to the light, but sometimes the dam of hiddenness breaks open and it all comes pouring out. And we are standing there in the mire and muck with eyes starting and hearts open.
I have learned so much from living in Africa for five years, but I have probably learned the most about God and the second most about myself. I have learned that being stripped of comforts and gifting and praise and security isn’t always a bad thing. I have learned that having to share and rely on others can be good. I have learned that when it all comes pouring out not everyone runs away. I have learned that the ones who stick around are the ones you want there in the first place.
God has humbled me here in Africa beyond what I could have ever imagined. I am not nearly as together as I thought I was. I am a person desperate on God’s strength and transformational love every day. I do NOT have it together and when I share how God is healing the broken places in my world others can relate. WE DO NOT HAVE IT TOGETHER but WE ARE NOT ALONE.
I have learned that being vulnerable makes you more connected and at home then you ever were before.