Our Hearts

This weekend was full of ministry and friends and occasions and people.

I honestly didn’t know how I would make it through.

It included one of my first real ministry obligations since Keller’s diagnosis.  I have been still serving in Ocean View and supporting families, but really slowed down in many of my roles to allow us time to process and adjust to Keller’s new needs.  I was asked last year to be the wedding officiant for a wonderful couple that I taught in my first year at Cornerstone Institute and they mean so much to me.  Weddings are always a privilege and this one was extra special.

But in the back of my mind I kept wondering HOW WILL I BE ABLE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS??

I am not a complete wreck, but my feelings are still so ripe and raw and I had no idea if I was up to such a special and holy occasion.  However, God asked me to be His instrument and so I stepped in.

The day was FULL as I actually first attended the wedding of our great Hillsong friends Thomas and Nande who were married deep in the hills of the winelands, in an area called Tulbagh.  It was a breathtaking setting and the ceremony was full of God’s praise and joy.  Seriously was a special day and I felt lifted being a part of the congregation (it was really a WORSHIP SERVICE and not just a wedding!).

I then rushed to the wedding I was officiating and I count is as such an honor to be such an intimate part of people’s lives.  I get to lead the most important worship service of a couple’s life and see their eyes filled with love and gratitude.  It is beyond beautiful and a privilege to be a part of.  Andrew and Candice said their vows, cried tears of joy, and clutched each other’s hands as they became ONE.  What fun for me.

As I was driving home alone, with the breathtaking scenery of South Africa surrounding me, I couldn’t help but be filled with awe and thankfulness to Jesus.  He is truly alive in my life, and even though the days are fragile, HE IS NOT.  He is God and will always be GOD.  He is looking to fill us and use us, no matter what state our lives may look.

 This is what the Lord says:

“Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool.

“I will bless those who have humble and contrite hearts,
    who tremble at my word.”  

-Isaiah 66:1-2

God is looking to fill people who are open.  People who are humble.  People who are broken.  People who are surrendered.

This weekend was a testimony of HIS GREATNESS and STRENGTH when we give him our open hearts.

What is the state of your heart today?

Could you build me a temple as good as that?
    Could you build me such a resting place?
My hands have made both heaven and earth;
    they and everything in them are mine.
    I, the Lord, have spoken!

NEW

In these very full days I sometimes go to bed feeling completely overwhelmed.

My mind races with the events of the days.  What I did.  What I DIDN’T DO.

This must be a feeling that other parents face, especially parents of kids with special needs.  The possibilities are endless for therapies and interventions and teachings.  I make efforts but at the end of the day I often find there was more that I didn’t do than what I did.

It can be overwhelming and paralyzing.

Some days are full and hectic and crazy and fun.  We laugh and play and have great moments together.  We are the Prince’s and so that is ALWAYS what we do.  Other days are hard and confusing and discouraging.

And so I go to sleep with a racing mind and a full heart.

But then I wake up and the morning is new.  The possibilities are fresh.  The slate is clean.

No matter how heavy I go to bed, I have noticed that somehow I wake up light and hopeful.  This can only be GOD.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning. -Lamentations 3:22-23

I want to encourage you that whatever chapter YOU are writing in your life.  If it’s one of easy or incredibly heavy, to just keep walking forward with God.  Each day holds so much strength and possibility in God.  The future may look uncertain and unknown but just take the NEXT STEP and take it IN HIM.

“When you don’t know what to do next, just do the thing that is in front of you.” -Elizabeth Elliot

My Territory

At the beginning of the year I was asking God to give me scriptures for the year that would define this next chapter and lead me and our family.  I have begun to cling to God’s word more and more and truly see it as the light for my path.  I felt God telling my spirit that I needed to pray for ‘new territory’ and ask for MORE.

“Oh, that you would bless me and expand my territory! Please be with me in all that I do, and keep me from all trouble and pain!” -1 Chronicles 4:10

So I began praying and believing and LOOKING for the great things God had ahead for us.

And then Keller was diagnosed with autism.

Recently God reminded me of my preayers for new territory.  I KNOW He reminded me of these prayers.  I KNOW He is telling me that this territory of special needs is a gift from Him.  This territory of autism has been given to me by God and this is our new world to receive.

This was NOT the kind of territory I was praying for.

I had to honestly google what the menaing of autism was.  Okay…  I STILL have to google it when I write about it because I STILL don’t fully understand it.  There are a lot of places that I thought were my future territory that God was going to be giving me.  I have a list of options that God evidently decided to ignore.  I did NOT want the territory of special needs.

I contacted one mother in our area who has a child with autism after our diagnosis; to make connections and learn about resources.  She shouted with laughter over the phone, “Welcome to the club!”

I do not want to be in this club.

No one wants to be in the club of special needs.  It’s the club you would never choose and can never leave.  But for me, it’s not just a club but it’s TERRITORY that God has given me.  It’s my place to wrestle in, and where I have to hold onto His promises in faith.  It’s my new WORLD and it’s from within this world that God wants to change me and mold me.  It’s from this WORLD that God wants to share His story.  It’s from this WORLD that God wants to share His glory.

This is my territory.

I may not want this new territory, but it’s been given to me as a gift.  And even though it seems hard and IMPOSSIBLE, it’s not, and God is more than enough for the journey.  It’s MY territory.

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” -Helen Keller

Love Beyond What I Deserve

“Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life,mand I will dwell in  the house of the Lord as long as I live.” -Psalm 23:6

In this journey of Keller’s autism diagnosis we have received heaps and heaps of love and support from Africa and the United States.  It has been humbling and overwhelming.  People have poured out their love for Keller and our family.  We have been loved far beyond what we deserve.

It’s hard to accept people’s love sometimes.  I like to be the one serving and loving and giving.  To be on the receiving end of love is just plain tough.  It makes me feel vulnerable and needy.  I am still learning how to ask for help and I know I will get better at this.

But the earthly love that has been poured out to us has only been a reflection of what God has shown us.  God doesn’t send e-cards or bring you dinner, but his love is showered upon our lives… if we only will open ourselves up to it.

Even though I wish God would come to me in these days like a storm, He always shows up in a whisper and I have to lean in to hear His words to me.  But His love is perfect and He is the definition of love.  As much as I want to believe that the earthly love I am experiencing will last forever, it won’t, and His love is never-ending.  He will always be pursuing me with His love.

Psalm 23 has been on my heart during these days of Keller’s diagnosis.  And God’s love has been very real to me, as in other times of crisis in my life.  Psalm 26 tells us these two things about God’s love:

1. God’s goodness comes from His nature, not our worthiness.

2. God’s love comes from His character, not our virtue.

 God is being Himself, being all GOD when he loves us and lavishes it upon us.  It is more than we deserve and meets us exactly where we are.  For me, this diagnosis and facing grief and loss of dreams has been difficult, but much of it is that is has revealed parts of my heart that I didn’t know that were there.  My own selfish dreams.  My desires to be normal and accepted.  It’s fine if ‘other’ families have special needs but that won’t happen to our family.  The list goes on as I have thrown many temper-tantrums before God about this situation and how IT’S NOT FAIR.

But even when we are unlovable, even when the darkest parts of our hearts are exposed, God still moves towards us with his LOVE.  He doesn’t sigh and wait for us to get it together.

He RUNS to us.

“And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.” -Luke 15:20 NLT

I have felt this from God in this newest trial in our lives.  As the gross parts of my heart have been exposed and as grief and worry have washed over me like waves, I have felt God close to me.  And after the confession and sorrow then I have begun to hear Him with me.  More, I have sensed Him with me.  Holding me and holding these things together.

People have remarked about how ‘strong’ our faith has been in this trial.  I have never felt further from strong, but there is no where else to run but to God.  Without God’s strength and love I could not make it through this.  There is no time to be mad at Him because I am desperate for Him.

And HE comes for me.  Thank you Jesus.

Wonderfully Complex

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
    and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
    Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
    as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
    Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
    before a single day had passed.” 

-Psalm 139:13-16 NLT

The first person I contacted when we got Keller’s diagnosis of autism, after crying and blabbering with Casey for a while, was my sister.  My sister lives in Charlotte, North Carolina, and I am in Cape Town, South Africa but living across an ocean has somehow made us closer and stronger.  She is my favorite person in the world outside of the crazy three that live in my house.

I texted her.  Blabbered.  Sobbed.  You know how ‘real’ it makes something when you tell other people?  Was feeling that.  And she responded with sadness and shock and love.  And then later she sent me a piece of Psalm 139.  She said her spirit was telling her to share that Keller was ‘perfectly and wonderfully made.’

In the New Living Translation (above), the passage says that each person is ‘wonderfully complex.’  The Prince family is hilariously and glaringly complex; that is obvious.  But now my soul has to wrestle with Keller being wonderfully complex, including his autistic brain.  He is perfectly made, including a brain that isn’t properly developed and keeps him from making social connections and communicating.  He was brought into OUR family by the way.  Our family’s life mission is to communicate and socially connect with people.  And now our perfect little boy was somehow woven together BY GOD inside me… but he does not have the parts of his brain that teach him how to do… what we DO.

It’s a painful place to wrestle, and I know I am not the first.  God, why would you allow Keller to be developed so wonderfully and yet his brain doesn’t process the same way we do?  How could he not be able to hold eye contact, be hugged, be a friend?  These are things that are very possible, but we will have to TEACH Keller how to be social.  We have no idea what the future holds and what kind of kid Keller will be.  He might be the most outgoing kid ever or grow up to have only one friend.

At least I will always be his friend.

There are no responses to my questions shot up to God.  Just his promise that even though Keller doesn’t SEEM to be perfect and wonderful in this moment, he IS.  God has made Keller and allowed autism to be a part of his story.  I might never know why, but I can be sure God thinks Keller is wonderful.

So now we wrestle with Keller’s wonderfully complex brain and ask God to expand our version of perfection.  I have a feeling I am going to like God’s version of wonderful more than the one I have always held…